Unpacking “Everything Happens for a Reason”

Is This Helpful?

Have you ever suffered in some way when a well-meaning friend quips, Well, you know, everything happens for a reason? How did that make you feel? Did you find your friend’s comment helpful? Does everything happen for a reason?

Yes, everything happens for a reason—though it is more accurate to say that our infinite God can and does have millions of reasons for ordering the universe the way he does. But saying the words “everything happens for a reason” in most instances is either unhelpful—or even harmful. Let’s unpack this saying using a few standard questions: When? Why? What? And why not? We’ll finish with: What would be a better response?

When do people normally say these words?

Typically, this saying gets carted out when a friend or acquaintance has experienced significant loss and is grieving the loss. “Everything happens for a reason” is frequently voiced as a response to someone’s loss of a job, loss of finances, or loss of a loved one.

Why do people say these words?

Let’s grant that most people probably mean well when they say “Everything happens for a reason.” They probably think that this saying could provide a bit of comfort to a friend who is hurting. Of course, others probably say these words because they feel uncomfortable talking about suffering and don’t know what else to say.

What do people mean when they say these words?

The intended meaning of these words largely depends upon the worldview of the one uttering them. For some people, especially those who don’t believe in a personal, all-powerful, all-loving God, they (necessarily) use these words in ways that reflects their worldview. Perhaps they believe in the determinism of a powerful but distant God (think Islamic kismet). Perhaps they adhere to some sort of cyclical view of history (think Hindu or Buddhist karma). Perhaps they are naturalists who speak about the universe as though it were personal (think Carl Sagan).¹ Even working within such non-Christian worldviews, they probably think that saying “Everything happens for a reason” will help a suffering individual get out of his or her tunnel of grief by pointing toward something beyond the individual’s experience—even if what is beyond is wholly or entirely impersonal.

In contrast, those who believe in a personal, all-powerful and all-loving God say these words because they likely believe that God really has good purposes for their friend’s suffering—that God “works all things together for good” (Rom. 8:28). They think that saying these words will somehow help a hurting friend by reminding them of this truth.

Why not say this?

There are several reasons why saying “Everything happens for a reason” isn’t helpful. First, it’s simplistic to reduce the why of any given suffering to a single past cause or future purpose. Second, these words usually come across as non-empathetic, and most people invite you into their suffering not because they want simplistic answers but because they want someone to walk with them through their pain. Third, saying these words frequently shuts down further conversation—something you don’t want to do with a person who is hurting. So in most cases, it is better not to try to answer the Why suffering? question unless and until the person in pain presses to have the conversation (some will and some will not). Such a deep question should not be addressed using a simplistic formula like “Everything happens for a reason.”

What would be a better response?

Offering a better response depends upon the type of suffering and the nature of your relationship to the person who is suffering. Whatever you do, listen carefully and patiently, don’t offer pat answers, and try to emotionally move toward your friend’s state of disquiet (“rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep”). It is far better to communicate to your friend that you are with them in their pain than to simplistically try to answer whatever why question(s) you think your friend might be asking (or that you yourself are trying to answer!).

This empathetic approach, however, is where many people stop—and where you have probably been told to stop. We have been coached repeatedly not to respond directly to people who ask why they are suffering. We have been taught to say, “I don’t know why you are suffering; only God knows,” and then move on to lovingly attempt to comfort or support a suffering friend in other ways. But this approach, though right in one way (that is, in being sensitive to ongoing pain and grief), is inadequate—biblically inadequate. If your friend knows the Lord, the Bible has presented some powerful, forward-looking purposes that God frequently intends when he allows his children to suffer. Second Corinthians (more than anywhere else in the Bible) combines purpose statements with God’s allowance of suffering, and in so doing highlights some of God’s purposes for our pain¹.

It is not that any given purpose directly corresponds to a particular area of suffering. You cannot simply say that this purpose is the reason God has allowed this suffering. But the pattern of purpose statements in 2 Corinthians (and to a lesser degree throughout the rest of the Bible) highlights common purposes for which God permits Christians to suffer. Here are a few examples: to minister to others who suffer, to deepen our trust in the God who raises the dead, to manifest the life of Christ through our suffering, to help us embrace humility, and to increase God’s power in our lives through our weakness.²

So when a friend is in pain or grieving and asking the why question—and for the moment, I’m assuming that he or she has a Christian worldview—you can offer comfort, encouragement, and even a bit of guidance by pointing your suffering friend toward the purpose statements in 2 Corinthians that indicate various ways God allows suffering to further his glory and lead to our ultimate good.

Kenneth Berding is the coauthor with Keith R. Krell of God’s Purposes in Our Pain: 10 Ways God Uses Suffering for Our Good.

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